My wife ran into my office expecting to perform the Heimlich. "Are you alright?" she asked me. Tears welled in my eyes. I could barely speak. "I … I’m …fine." She then realized my seizure was uncontrollable laughter.

"Read," I gasped, pointing to the computer screen before dropping face down, hoping the floor’s pressure would stabilize my organs and hemorrhoids.

Here’s what she read:

Winston Churchill and Clement Attlee went into the same men's room to relieve themselves.  Clement was in the first stall.  Winston walked far down to the last one.  "Ah, I see you are a bit uncomfortable pissing next to me, eh Winston."  "Not at all, Clement.  It's just that when you see anything large that works you want to nationalize it." 

A scholarly friend emailed it to me. He has not said I could use his name yet.

He also couldn’t confirm its veracity. This Churchillian chestnut made sense, though. Attlee was a Socialist and the target of one of Churchill’s already famous quotes. "Mr. Attlee is a very modest man. Indeed he has a lot to be modest about."

Still, there are plenty of quotes incorrectly attributed to Churchill. For instance, Churchill did not say, "A man under thirty who is not a liberal has no heart while a man over thirty who is not a conservative has no brain." No one seems to know who said it, but many folks credit Winston.

So, I had to know. Was this cock chronicle poppy-cock or a Winny winner? I re-arranged my innards and started digging on the web. But there was nothing from Google or my other favorites like the great urban-legend debunker www.snopes.com.

I phoned Peter Patrikis, Executive Director, at the Winston Churchill Institute in New York City.  (http://www.winstonchurchillfoundation.org/)  He laughed, too, but couldn’t corroborate the Winston wanker yarn. He kindly offered to do some research, though.

Then a breakthrough happened. I had serendipitously returned to Google to paste the Churchill Foundation website into the previous paragraph and this time Google gave me this site: www.dhs.gov/xnews/speeches/sp_1169823147298.shtm. Apparently Google also laughed so hard, it originally missed this posting.

U.S. Homeland Secretary Michael Chertoff tells the same anecdote to the American Bar Association on January 18, 2007. But Secretary Chertoff didn’t give a source for the story. (So, who slips this to Biden?)

So, I called the Department of Homeland Security in Washington, D.C. While on hold, I felt stupid. Here I am asking verification of an historical quote from people who are busy saving us from terrorists. I couldn’t hang up now, though. When the courteous woman returned to the line, I assured her this wasn’t a Democratic witch-hunt about more Republican distortions. I refrained from saying there are too many already. And I stopped short of saying I completely understood why Republicans were trotting out this tale for the 2008 campaign. (Do you smell Rove in this one?)

So, that leads to you. If you are or you know a Churchill scholar, ask them if this penile political parable (too much?) is true. Then write me in the e-mail address below.

Now if the story isn’t true, then we will do this. I will ask all of you to tell me who should replace Churchill and Attlee so this narrative will make sense today.

I can hear all of you yelling, "Bill and Hillary."

E-mail John at info@johndaly.tv