Hi Mona,
When we had our reading in May, all that you said has come true. At that time, you said you had not seen a husband and wife as close as me and my hubby in a very long time. Lately he is falling apart. He is drinking too much and agitated almost every evening. This has been going on for several months. He has literally screamed at me several times in the last few months, which is something I never thought would be possible in our relationship.
I continue to wake every morning and be positive with him and have coffee and read the paper before he goes to work. He turned 60 in October and you would think the world is ending. Everything seems negative to him and it is getting very difficult to stay positive with him angry all the time. Can you help with some insight? I am at my wits end. At our reading you didn't see anything to do with children but his oldest is going to prison for a year and a half for repeated drug involvement.
I try and tell myself it is that and not me but he has actually said blood is thicker than water very sarcastically. He went about reducing his sentence through the back doors and I am not sure it was all above board. I threw up today over something that happened with us. I feel doomed at the moment and ready to walk. Please email back.
Love-Challenged
Dear Love-Challenged,
You have to remember that you are his ideal women. Let’s go way back to when the two of you were courting. You were the one who didn’t take his moodiness (he’s always been moody) seriously. You would “tease” him out of his bad mood. There’s an old saying: “Men marry women hoping they never change, and women marry men hoping they do.”
When I did the relationship spread, I see that this is all HIS stuff, not yours. He’s the one feely guilty about his offspring. He doesn’t do well when HE feels guilty about something and since no one can beat him up the way he can, there’s a part of him that’s enjoying the fact he can justify being a real ass.
Everything about the journey of the two of you has brought you to this moment. THIS situation (right now) is one of the major Karmic reasons the two of you are together. I want you to envision that you’re already on the other side of this phase in your lives together. I want you to keep in your heart that you will get on the other side of this. Dive into your business and let him be angry…remember, it’s NOT about you. Be wise about giving him space and only responding to him when he’s less moody.
As soon as he realizes that he cannot control the behavior of his children, and that they have chosen their own path, he’ll still be sad about it, but at some point he has to let go of his expectations of what he thought his children should become. The best thing that could have happened is his oldest going to prison and getting help for the drug problem. This issue with this child goes back to how your husband’s father treated your husband.
Lastly, I want you to write him a love letter telling him why you (still) love him and that you are going to leave him alone when he seems to be pushing you away or especially grumpy. In the letter, tell him that you know he’s smart enough to get through this time and that you’re on his team. Have no expectations about his behavior, because he’s working through a lot. He has to learn the lesson that certain things are out of our control…aging, children’s behavior, and the weather. What he has to learn is that how he reacts IS in his control.
The most enlightened path is being able to accept the things we can’t change. It doesn’t mean that we like some of the things we accept; we just don’t give them unnecessary power.
I know what just happened with the two of you was shocking – he feels guilty about that too and I’m getting that that had something to do with a large sum of money. You’re so close to him at times that it feels uncomfortable to him. It’s okay if you give him space, but secretly he wants you around him.
So dive yourself into your work. Wait until he comes back to you – and he will. Keep up your usually routine, there’s comfort to him with that. When he says something hurtful, maintain this inner dialog, “He doesn’t know better, he’s going through a lot right now. This is NOT about me. We will get on the other side of this.”
The deal-breaker is if at any time he becomes violent - then you will have to leave. Please let me know what happens about a week after his oldest is in prison. There’s an emotional release that’s long overdue with him…that’s what we’re waiting for.
Thank you for writing! Mona
