1.  Most Blues must begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

 

2.  "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

  

3.  The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of:

 

"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.

Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.

Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

 

4.  The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch,... you stuck in a ditch, ....ain't no way out.

 

5.  Blues cars: Chevy's, Fords, Cadillac's and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the runnin'. Walkin' plays a  major part in the blues lifestyle, even more if there are holes in the sole of your shoes... if you own a  pair.. So does fixin' to die.

 

 6.  Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis or Fort Worth , Texas.

 

 7.  Blues can take place in New York City , but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada . Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain. Gated communities are definitely out.

 

8.  A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.

 

9.  You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

 

10.  Good places for the Blues:

 

a.  highway

b.  jailhouse

c.  empty bed

d.  bottom of a whiskey glass

 

Bad places:

 

a.  Dillard's or Lord & Taylor

b.  gallery openings or at any Starbucks outlet

c.  Ivy League institutions

d.  golf courses

 

11.  No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you sleep in it.

 

12.  Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if:

 

a.  you older than dirt

b.  you blind

c.  you done shot a man in Memphis

d.  you cain't be satisfied

 

No, if:

a.  you have all your teeth             

b.  you were once blind but now can see

c.  the man in Memphis lived

d.  you have a 401K or trust fund

 

13.  Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

 

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

 

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

 

a.  cheap wine

b.  whiskey or bourbon

c.  muddy water

d.  nasty black coffee

 

15.  The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a.  Perrier

b.  Chardonnay

c.  Snapple

d.  Slim Fast

 

16.  If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.  So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

 

17. Some Blues names for women:

 

a.  Sadie

b.  Big Mama

c.  Bessie

d.  Fat River Dumpling

Never use names like Shelicqua,  Rashinda, Chantel or Eboneesha.

 

18. Some Blues names for men:

 

a.   Joe

b.   Willie

c.   Little Willie

d.   Big Willie

 

19.  Persons with names like Todd, Seymour, Andrew, Heather, Megan or Debbie can not

sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

 

20. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:

 

a.  name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

b.  first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)

c.  last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson,  Fillmore, etc.) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.  (Well,

maybe not "Kiwi.")

 

21.  I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.