MID-April '06 Singles—Heather Latimer Column

"HELP! ON FRIDAY I have a date with a dashing Argentinean from the Tango Studio. I want to put my best foot forward and not in my mouth," Arlene confessed. It seemed this lovely young creature expected me to provide some magic words—a sort of script—to guarantee everything would turn out hunky dory.

Alas! Words alone do not make a winning dialogue. In fact The American Heritage Dictionary doesn't even mention them where it cites the three elements of conversation: "a spoken exchange of (1) thoughts, (2) opinions, and (3) feelings, between two or more persons." The sticky part is that to fulfill these requirements, listening is essential and, regrettably, good listeners are in short supply these days.

How do you rate?

Do you give only one ear to what is being relayed, and use both eyes and the other ear to eavesdrop on something going on across the room? To capture your companion's thoughts you must pay attention to him exclusively.

Do you barely listen to your companion's opinion on a topic because you're eager to jump in with your own superior viewpoint? By listening carefully you may discover a value system of which you were unaware, or areas of mutual agreement, or opposition. A calm interchange of opinions is healthy, but should one result in a dispute that threatens to end the relationship, don't drown out accusations with contradictions. Listen! Listen! Listen! You might learn a few shortcomings that can be changed to please that person or improve understanding between you and the next heart throb who comes along.

Do you fail to detect the feelings behind the words—feelings that reveal the speaker's emotions? Through listening to Beryl you learn she got drunk at the singles bar last night and, although she doesn't mention it, you sense she doesn't remember how she got home. Dr. Phil of TV fame emphasizes the importance of "hearing what hasn't been said."

Listening, and responding in accordance with what you hear, observe, and sense are the secrets of entertaining dialogue. While the other person is "on" indicate your attention by lightly looking toward him (not staring) and occasionally nodding in agreement, or interjecting "Really," "How interesting," "What fun." Or pose a relevant query, such as "Whatever did you do then?" Although you're entitled to equal time, switching to an unrelated topic of your own, without first acknowledging the last point the person was making, conveys your lack of interest and exposes your self-centered personality. Of course, this doesn't apply if you encounter a motor-mouth. Mary has stunned many a bore into dead silence. "Zip it! It's my turn to talk now," she barks.

Asking one question and then turning it into an interrogation by following one reply with another question, and another, and another in rapid succession, is a turn-off. CIA tactics are not appreciated. If you've been told "people love to talk about themselves" it's a half-truth. Most do not mind giving a few personal details, but only when they voluntarily advance or expand upon facts rather than being bullied into supplying them. Of course, if either person says "I'd love to tell you more when we're not pressured for time" it might be as good as an engraved invitation to meet again.

Should you be on the receiving end of an inquisition it's not smart to follow the "ask no questions, hear no lies" policy. Either be 100% honest, to prevent your having to constantly search your memory to recall what you said and to whom, or invoke the Fifth Amendment. You can say "It's too early to go into that." "There's not enough time to go into that," or more formally, "I'd rather not answer that." Tournament Bridge Director Peggy Cundiff, known for her charm in reprimanding an erring or obnoxious player without causing friction, advises "Don't look mad! Smile and deliver your rebuff with a touch of humor and a light laugh. In that way the recipient usually gives a little laugh in return and resentment rolls away."

When you've gotten to know a person well, it doesn't give you permission to pry. You may depend that if she wants you to know something she'll tell you, or it will be revealed in unguarded chatter. One of my closest friends is married to an executive whose New York pied-à-terre goes with his worldwide traveling job. When their marriage fell apart, he moved out but left her in residence, where she is entitled to remain as his wife. Had they divorced she'd have been out the door and he ordered to support her. I can't tell you how many times I've been asked "Is she married?" or "Is she divorced?" I'm not sure I condone these shady arrangements but I'm neither going to lie for my friend nor divulge her confidences. So, I amiably reply: "If you want to know, why on earth don't you ask her?" Nearly always, the comeback is "Oh! I couldn't do that. You're her best friend so you should know." To which I respond: "That's why I'm her best friend—because I don't gossip about her, or you, or anyone else." Jessie is a charmer who turns snoopers into dum-dums. She looks straight at them with her innocent baby-blue eyes and gently says: "Why? Why would you want to know that?"

A live-in lover cannot avoid exposing his body, habits, faults and virtues, and revealing his age, worries, finances, and other secrets. If you break-up you may be tempted to dish the dirt, but beware, it may come back to slap you in the face. Your next significant other may realize he's put himself in line for similar treatment and take off. Even your same-sex friends, knowing you don't keep much to yourself, may avoid confiding in you. As an incentive to control your tongue, look at it this way. Running-down one ex, or worse a whole string of them, doesn't add to your image. It merely broadcasts your lack of judgment and good taste in picking those persons in the first place.

Putting someone down and when they protest, laughing and saying "you can't take a joke," is a heartless way of getting your jollies. It's hurtful, a subconscious effort to increase your own self-esteem, and reveals your underlying inferiority complex. When Mike Wallace was interviewed on a recent Larry King Show, the names of most of his competitors came up. He followed the golden rule, "If you can't say something nice about a person, don't say anything." He highlighted the finest points of each and every one of them. He didn't try to demean his colleagues in order to raise his own image; he was securely "up" already. A real gentleman. For the same reasons, avoid topping the triumphant stories of grandmas, cruisers, heroes and team captains. Let others shine once in a while. Look pleased. Offer your congratulations.

A gal who assumes gutter-language is smart, modern and places her on equal footing with "the boys," is way off base. You'd be surprised how many guys, who make the air blue with their outpourings, are put off by women who outdo them in the filthy-mouth department. As for the well-spoken, they surmise that yakkers spew out garbage because they're either poorly educated, or so ignorant they don't even know the correct words.

Should you imagine you could stop if you wanted, it's not something that's quickly or easily accomplished. I can attest to that. When I was in kindergarten in England, an "ass" was a little donkey with long ears. Teachers and kids alike said "naughty ass," "silly ass," as gentle reproaches for bad deeds. We even had a game called "Oh! What an ass I am." When I emigrated to the USA as an adult, I had no idea that "ass" was defined in American dictionaries as "vulgar slang." (Our word for the same is spelled "arse" and pronounced that way.) Today, over 20 years have passed, yet "stupid ass" still leaps to my lips and occasionally slips out. A steep fall from grace for a Manhattan NY Delegate to The World Conference on the Preservation of the English Language held in Edinburgh.

Fortunately our native tongue is so explicit we can make a point much more convincing by using accurate definitions. You can have fun enlarging your vocabulary through working crosswords, or taking tests printed in Reader's Digest. If your grammar is less than perfect, brush it up. You might also read all of the above info, plus a whole lot more, in my handbook "How To Be A Whizzz At Dating Dozens As A Prelude to One Meaningful Relationship," ISBN 0-94638-84-7

"A soft word turneth away wrath," appears in Proverbs 15:1. Yet that quotation is even more fitting in this violent era. Hence, it's wise to add a few calming phrases to your verbal bank. Whether your brother admonishes you for using his computer, or a stranger in line at the post office accuses you of bumping him with your package, leaping to your own defense or launching a counter-attack is non-productive. It merely prolongs the time and effort spent on a trivial incident and might escalate into a major upheaval. Be a smart bunny! Get it over so you can put your thoughts and energies to a higher purpose. Say "I'm sorry." Those two words alone can be soothing. Or they can be supplemented by: "I had no idea I was doing that." Or "I won't do it again." Or "I appreciate your mentioning it." Also "Thank you." "May I?" "Would you mind if…" "Excuse me." "I apologize" are not signs of meekness or weakness, as bullies and other heavies would have you believe. They are marks of respect and consideration for others that allay useless conflict and misunderstandings and, above all, oil the wheels of all social interactions.