YOU WOULDN'T RUSH to Grand Central Station and catch an Amtrak train without first checking whether it was a local to New Rochelle or a non-stop to Chicago. So when an unscheduled train rolls into your station why leap on it without ascertaining whether it's bound for Heart Ache and Dumpsville?

Maybe you've already boarded such a train and it seems to be chugging along in the wrong direction or racing toward places you'd rather not go. Think! Ponder! Speculate! Are you truly en route to Forever After? Or are you in danger of never reaching that glorious destination?

Fortunately signals are all along the line. The following true incidents will clue you in on some common signs of an imminent derailment or upcoming exit, and enable you to prepare yourself for such occurrences.

RED FLAGS
While Bob was munching his hamburger at McDonalds, he explained to his sweetie that he had a lot of overtime coming up. She was delighted at the thought of extra money and began to ask questions as to which nights it might be and for how many hours. Instead of matching her enthusiasm he hesitated and then stroked the side of his nose with one finger when he replied. According to Body Language expert Julius Fast this unconscious gesture is an unmistakable sign that he wasn't only eating a whopper he was telling one too.

Ballroom dancers at Red Rock Casino are acquainted with all the regulars but, when they catch sight of one of an accepted twosome glancing around the room continuously instead of at his partner, they give each other knowing looks. "Aha!" they say. "He hasn't found a replacement yet—but he's looking."

Every time Alberto made a new conquest, he'd overwhelm her with his charm, see her every day, meet her right on time, sometimes with flowers, and she'd be flattered to pieces. Months later, when one would imagine the affair was in full blossom, he'd suddenly be late and leave her waiting until dusk turned into darkness. Beware of this power play. It's designed to control and manipulate the actions and emotions of another person to gain a desired outcome. In this case he'd lost interest in the lady and knew his tardiness would irritate her, she'd angrily take off, and refuse to see him again.

Dennis shared an apartment with his Significant Other for 18 months. One day in July, after she'd left for the office, his hired van drew up to remove his furniture and clothing, he threw the keys on the kitchen table, and left. A mere year before, he had discarded his wife of over 25 years in exactly the same manner. According to Phillip C. McGraw, Ph.D. "Relevant past behavior is indicative of future behavior." During the early dating period, instead of thwarting efforts to talk about his last relationship, let him spill it. Forewarned is forearmed.

Kenneth suddenly became fastidious about the interior of his car, brushing hairs off upholstery, and taking care to pick up every lipstick-imprinted tissue Jasmine dropped. Unfortunately for him Jasmine, being a buxom lady, extended the seat belt to its full length. When she discovered this was too short to go around her, she knew a slender passenger had been present. You don't need to observe the actions of a straying partner, changes in habits and the repositioning of items by someone else, can tell the story.

Many persons opt out of their romance immediately prior to an important holiday. Muriel chose September 1st so she'd have her family to fall back on for the Labor Day festivities. On a regular weekend she'd be forced to suffer a barren couple of days. If you sense this might happen, work out a Plan B with friends, and do this well in advance, so you won't be left high and dry.

In another case, this timing might be used to avoid introducing you to parents, blood relatives or in-laws. Either there is some impediment to their accepting you or, like conservative people with a nod to formalities, she considers it premature to present you to the family unless she's certain you'll become part of the clan.

The previous incidents are true; the names are fictitious. The following exit strategies have been employed by so many individuals a list of names would stretch to the North Pole. Here's how you'll recognize them if they happen to you.

Out of the blue, your girlfriend mentions an old boyfriend who has "just turned up." Next this old friend needs her and there's an obligation to see him, or comfort him in his distress. Read new boyfriend for old boyfriend and you've got it right. There's nothing wrong about you, but this person is anxious to pursue a fresh heart throb. She cares enough for you, to tread softly and try not to hurt you. Or she's leaving the door open for a return when the fling has run its course.

You mention distant dates—such as joining a visiting couple two weeks hence—and he's enthusiastic. That suggests continuity. When it's Wednesday and you're kept waiting for a decision about next Friday, he's probably hoping somebody he fancies might be available—and keeping you as the lady in waiting.

Sexual activity decreases. If your man's interest wanes and he's neither mentally stressed out, physically unhealthy, nor the promiscuous type, there's a specific person he's lusting after and it ain't you.

Or you may have gotten ahold of a perpetual player who relishes the chase, the capture and the thrills of a fresh body. As familiarity with that person's flesh increases, desire decreases. S/he's doomed to repeatedly attract and discard, and is unlikely to change. If you never hastily jump into bed with a stranger, never move in together before at least 3 months have passed, and never—ever—lend money, you'll preclude most of these fast operators from taking advantage of you. Always take time to know the person—as a real human being with a full deck of emotions, characteristics and abilities—not just a vehicle to sexual gratification—or to fill a lonely gap.

AMBER LIGHTS—PROCEED WITH CAUTION
"We both need more space," or "the chemistry is not right," translate into "I like/love you a lot, but there's too much conflict. We just don't get along as well as lovers should." If you agree to see less of the initiator of these remarks, but not lose touch completely, chances are that if you both care enough about each other and the preservation of your relationship, you'll reunite. You need to review the troublesome issues together, discuss them when neither of you is angry, and attain workable solutions. If you refuse to honor the intermission, fail to address problems, and make no serious effort to resolve them, the initiator will have no alternative but to depart.

She picks quarrels over trivialities when that has not previously been her style. "This may be the outward display of inner resentment toward you," according to Marriage and Family Therapy Intern Julie Hoffman. She wants you to change but, since you're not a mind reader, you're clueless. When neither of you is angry, ask. If she opens up, listen intently, without too many interruptions, and you'll unearth the cause. Thereafter it's up to both of you to concentrate on finding ways to eliminate the discord and, by so doing, strengthen understanding between you.

In another instance she may be creating unrest as an excuse to break up and hopes you'll be the one to slam the door.

Your lady suddenly changes her hair color, clothing and makeup. Don't worry! She's capable of doing all that and a whole lot more on a whim. If it's a breast augmentation, and you like her boobs in the form they are, it might be a different story.

OVERVIEW
If you're repeatedly coming to a dead end in respect to your romances, you're probably practicing self-defeating tactics or putting out negative vibes. According to innumerable complaints from both sexes, these factors range from expecting too much, overly possessive, unjustifiably suspicious, making unfounded accusations, and demanding explanations, to flirting with friends, prolonged talking about exes, excessive time on the computer, using the cell phone in the other's presence, and moving or discarding the other person's belongings without asking.

Another possibility is that you're sending the wrong messages via inappropriate dress, makeup, mannerisms or language.

You'll hear all about your shortcomings if you pay rapt attention during quarrels—particularly a break-up. Keep your ears open and your mouth shut and, instead of defending yourself, remember what has been said. There's usually a grain of truth in the most exaggerated accusations. Later, reflect on those flaws, and try making changes the next time around. You may find there's an improvement in your ability to communicate or to bond.

END OF THE LINE
When the journey terminates, and all the hostility and emotional turmoil have ceased, lighten up. Above all, don't carry a torch. It's a preoccupation that retains possession of your feelings so you can't bestow them on anyone else. Try to continue on distant but cordial terms. On the way around you two might find yourselves working in the same company or attending the same social events and it's advisable to be on speaking terms.

In no circumstances should you behave like a low-life and convey private info, expose secrets, or bad-mouth your former love. The manner in which a person breaks up, the methods used to accomplish that purpose, and the way s/he handles the aftermath are among the most illuminating revelations regarding integrity, or lack of it, that exist.  

© 2006 Heather Latimer