MOVING IN TOGETHER

On Christmas morning Jennie was sleeping soundly when her boyfriend clapped her on the shoulder. She lazily turned to face him. "Merry Christmas, Honey," he chirped. "What say we go out and get married?" That happened, but often it's just a dream according to the US Census Bureau. The latest figures reveal 1 in 8 residences in Nevada are Unmarried Couple Households (UCH) as compared to the nationwide ratio of 1 in 11 and, beyond that, the media constantly reminds us that 50% of all marriages end in divorce.

SEASONAL YEARNINGS

Even those depressing statistics cannot douse the burning hopes of many red-blooded guys and dolls. "Maybe my significant other will suggest we elope." "Maybe my current love will agree to be committed." "Maybe that heart throb I met last week will invite me to meet the family." "Maybe an acceptable date will turn up for New Year's Eve." Even the legally united have their yearnings. "Perhaps Santa will bring me a big diamond, or a Rolex." "Perhaps my spouse will resolve to be more romantic. Today! Tomorrow! Every day!" No matter how much wishful thinking you engage in, when a Big Holiday looms on the calendar it stirs up an even more distressing brew of emotions. Rest assured, this melancholy desire to belong is a seasonal disorder that will fade away. Meanwhile, instead of wallowing in self-pity, immerse yourself in productivity. List exactly what you want from an existing or potential love-companion and determine whether your expectations are reasonable in light of circumstances. Should you have suffered a breakup when you were angrily accused of character and behavioral flaws, there was probably a grain of truth to those claims. Examine them! Change yourself or exercise more tolerance, if you care to, and continue to look forward—not back.

PLAN AHEAD

It suggests two people are becoming an item when they see each other every day and start eating in each other's residences. Snuggling up together under the same roof sounds ooh so lovey-dovey, and it is, but… (there are always tiresome buts, aren't there?) it incurs obligations, responsibilities and household chores that are downright boring. Before you became intimate, primary attention should have been given to HIV tests, safe sex and birth control. Before establishing your love nest it's just as essential that monetary arrangements be set forth clearly, particularly the rent in a specific dollar amount or percent of income, and to whom it's to be paid by check (not cash). The same applies to apportionment of expenses for groceries, utilities, phone, fuel, and computer services. Belongings, such as electronic units, bed linen, and grandma's antique clock might be discreetly photographed before they're shifted from one residence to the other. A list is sufficient to give to your partner. When attorney Harvey Levin comments on former live-in lovers fighting over belongings and money in The People's Court he always emphasizes "put it in writing." If a properly prepared document is too scary, discuss your plans over dinner and use paper napkins to set forth the issues and your agreement in regard to each. Staple those bits of paper, and make them binding, by both initialing every separate piece and placing full signatures and date at the end of the "document"—in the presence of 2 witnesses, if possible. Without undoing the staples, make 2 copies, so each of you has one handy for reference, and store the original in a safe place other than where you'll be cohabiting. "It isn't necessary for us to go through all that nonsense; we trust each other." (I heard you say that!) Or your partner looked at you with a mournful expression and whined "You don't trust me." No matter! If you prefer to enjoy all the delectable perks, without interruptions for arguments about mundane matters, adhere to this truism: Trust has to be earned and that takes time. Time is something you haven't accumulated yet.

PONDER BEFORE YOU PROCEED

Don't be eager to jump into dual living conditions without bothering to analyze the elements involved and the reasoning behind them. It's idiotic to shack up merely to save on rent, or because one is already in debt, habitually unemployed, or has nowhere to go. Mingling money is equally foolish, so is contributing to a joint bank account, or borrowing from each other. If you're intent on establishing a stable lifestyle, maintain your own bank accounts, use your own credit cards and never give anyone access to them, and pay for your own phone calls and other expenses. The person who gives up his/her pad to move in with the other, is the one who'll be without a home if there's a breakup. To guard against this, immediately upon becoming resident in property the other rents, the tenancy agreement should be amended to include both names. This prevents being thrown out, but—please note—it makes each individual responsible to the landlord for the entire rent—100% of it—even if the party of the first part (in legalese) leaves, or fails to reimburse the party of the second part. In the blaze of new passion, it's common to abandon one's customary pursuits in favor of more pressing urges. However, as familiarity sets in, these pastimes may be resumed. The computer buff may appear so knowledgeable it warrants nothing short of admiration. Sometimes that's bang on. Sometimes it's not. Before you settle in together make it a point to gently inquire about your prospect's usage of this fascinating equipment. You may find your friend uses the machine on a minimal basis as and when it's necessary to do so. Or works on his company's office edition of XP all day, and uses it for personal correspondence. Or s/he may be addicted—rushing to read a huge amount of email immediately upon arriving home (while someone else cooks dinner) and replying later in the evening (while dishes are being washed). Innumerable enthusiasts arise in the middle of the night to log on to the internet. Others get into chat-rooms for endless hours, download porn sites, indulge in internet sex, or regularly contact men, women, gays, or children. Psychiatrists claim that living together successfully results from a willingness to trade off. You give up something you like to get something precious.

HAPPY ENDING IN SIGHT

It's been my observation that around the 18th month is when many romances begin to wilt. However, when a couple sticks together and successfully works through that term of unrest, the relationship becomes more firmly rooted and a deeper, more understanding love comes into flower. The relationship shows signs of becoming long-term (LTR) when the couple has been together more than 18 months and plans for the future with the twosome in mind, both want to combine assets to purchase a large appliance, boat, bigger home, or bring in or bear children. At this juncture, if the M word is still taboo, a Cohabitation Agreement must be drawn up by a competent attorney to protect the interests of all parties, not just for the present, but for the days and years to come. It could also be the perfect moment to discuss the possibility of legally tying the knot.

© 2005 Heather Latimer