Is there any way to guarantee a marriage will be enduring? No! But you can absolutely positively guard against drifting into a union that is destined for disaster before you even whisper “ I do.”

Alas! Few people expend as much time and effort planning the journey of a lifetime as they do for a trip from Pahrump to Disneyland. To suggest you do so, doesn’t mean immersing yourself in the myriad arrangements outlined in the PWG.com free wedding guide. Indeed, whether you reserve a Bellagio ballroom, order sculptured ice carvings and dinky hors d´oeuvres and invite hundreds of guests; or opt for a festivity at Larry’s Hideaway with its wholesome food and merry Dummkopfs playing for dancing, has little bearing on the longevity of the union.

It’s the extent of perception between the two of you that is key; instinctively knowing your beloved’s needs, feelings, and emotions, and responding to them. Perception is developed through listening to what is said and catching its underlying message if there is one; observing eyes that can be anything from sparkling to glassy; and being attuned to the tone of voice that accompanies each emotion. “This sensitivity lasts for a lifetime,” says Marriage and Family Therapy Intern Julie Hoffman. “A lack of it is painfully obvious when a rejected one moans ‘I had no idea anything was wrong.’”

Beyond this, there are areas where advance “reality thinking,” (the phrase coined by Russell Ciotta) may save you from grief in the future. Apart from the requisite of knowing your partner’s background, character and beliefs, pay attention to that person’s habits. If you don’t like something and gently ask the person to stop when your love is new, chances are the offender will comply. Later it’s different. Whenever Christine shacked up with Bill in his Greenwich Village pad, she switched on the light numerous times nightly to record her nocturnal reveries in a blue Dream Book. Bill was irritated, but didn’t complain—especially if it led to lovemaking. After they moved to Connecticut, and he became a hard-working husband struggling to pay a hefty mortgage, he protested. She stubbornly persisted. Soon they were in separate bedrooms in their huge house and, later, divorced.

If you’re pressured by parents, don’t imagine getting wed will satisfy their demands. “Afterwards, they’ll try to orchestrate the birth or upbringing of grandchildren,” asserts Jessica, who learned from bitter experience. To offset such a takeover, it’s vital at the outset for the offspring of the pushy parents to respectfully explain: “I’ve grown up into the mature and responsible person you raised me to be. So, naturally, when I marry, the two of us will be making all important decisions together.” Rest assured you’re on solid ground in supporting one another. It’s a right of marriage that each be the primary person in the other’s life. If there’s conflict, you must not sacrifice your husband/wife’s wishes to accede to those of your mother or father. The Bible says so: Matthew 19, verses 5–6.

Be aware that some in-laws are loving, pleasant and fulfilled; others are loving, smothering and toxic. Siblings may imagine it’s a joke to flatter, put down, tease, envy, claim your partner’s belongings as their own or flirt with you. Meet as many of them as you can in order to observe how they treat one another and, additionally, learn their opinions regarding your possible entrance into their clan.

Don’t expect wild and abundant sex to bind you forever. Andrea, who was cheated on during pregnancy, contends “he was not tied down like me and was greedy for perpetual thrills and exhilaration from any piece of flesh.” To avoid this fate, use birth control, and—wait—and wait some more—before legalizing the lust.

Do not—repeat do not—marry someone who is already borrowing money from you, or putting items on your credit card, particularly if that person is of employable age and not attempting to get a job. Lending money does not buy love, and leads to bitter enmity when it’s time to return it.

Calmly discuss visitations of children, and alimony incurred through previous associations; birth control or lack of it; division of money and chores; and terms of employment that may impact on hours at home. In the meantime pay attention to how much time is being spent on the internet, and the type of websites being accessed. Also how often cell phone calls are interrupting your time together.

Attending to the above-mentioned factors ahead of popping the question or accepting a proposal enables you to judge how well the two of you and your immediate and extended families will blend. If you know it won’t work, thank each other for the happiness you’ve shared and move on. Unsure—wait! Should you decide to go for it, the less surprises you’ll experience and the more harmonious will be your journey through life as husband and wife.

© 2006 Heather Latimer,